2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We just shotgunned beers for America
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
