I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
