remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
