I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
