some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Who died my cat blue again?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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