Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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