she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
