my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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