that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
