In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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