i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
