i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
