Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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