by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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