im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
