Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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