He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think I am morally bankrupt
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
