No stitches, just platelets and will power
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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