he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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