Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
