A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
