i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
