did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
