Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
