If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
