he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
