Just fell off a train. Bad.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
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I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
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Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
there is glitter all over my balls
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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