was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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