I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
