After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
