There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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