I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
