i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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