I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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