If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
