You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
