Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
