i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Oh god it's open bar.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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