Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
