upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
