thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
There's a naked man in my car right now.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
