This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
