Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I enjoy the company of your penis
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
