Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
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I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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