someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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