I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
