we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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