If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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