Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
