So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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