I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
