P.S. I can't hear my feet
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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