She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
