you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
You don't make any sense
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