Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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